The Last Letter

Posted on September 17, 2009 by Guria



This post has been selected as a BlogAdda’s Spicy Saturday Pick. For a sneak-peek at the review on BlogAdda, click here!

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She had had enough.
How long can a woman go on loving a man, who is no more the man she had married?
The embers of a love once so passionately received and reciprocated, slowly and unknowingly had died out. She could see the emptiness in his eyes, where there was once love. They no longer shared hopes, dreams and passion. It was as if that man she had married didn’t exist any more.
She never knew when she had stopped being his lover and had become just his wife.
And she had refused to live a farce. As she had six years before.
When she had met and fell in love with him, her father had been arranging her marriage to her childhood friend, her best friend.
“We do not marry beneath us.”
“Do you think that loser you have chosen can give you half the life you are used to?”
She was fond of her best friend but her love consumed her. Her father never understood the strength of their love. She had lived amongst riches but she could also live without them. She had proved it to her father. Love isn’t made of luxuries. She knew she wouldn’t be happy without him, his love.
But what she hadn’t counted on was the loss of his love.
She didn’t have a choice but to leave him. She had not wanted riches, she had wanted him. And she knew, as only a woman can know, he wasn’t hers any more.
That was why she married her best friend. Even though she would never feel that burning love for him, at least he loved her back. At least, she wouldn’t expect.
And she had thought she had been right.
Eyes blurred with tears, she looked at the letter in her hands. It was from her ex-husband.

My love,
                                                                                                                      
I am so happy, now that you are happy. I am not writing to add to your pain but to tell you that this is the only way I had. Your father had been right. I was not ever fit to be your husband. I could not ever give you anything that you deserved.
Remember the time in Christmas, when you were looking through the glass of a shop, admiring a simple pendant, how I wanted to give it to you but it wasn’t in my power. 
         
If you had married your best friend instead of me, you would have had everything in life, everything that I couldn’t give you.
The only way I knew to ensure your happiness was to set you away from me, set you free. I wanted you to go to him. 



This is my first, last and only gift to you.
Be happy, my darling. Making you believe that I love you no more was the toughest decision and action of my life.
But my life has no meaning without you.                                                                        
Did I ever tell you that I can’t live without you?                                                                                                
I had meant every word. Forgive me, darling.                                                                     
I will love you forever.                                                                                                   
                                         Yours forever,
                                                 XXX                                                                                                                             
            
She was wrong. She had failed. She couldn’t love enough. And, he was dead because of that. 
She stared at the letter for a long time.
It was still clutched to her bosom when the servants found her on the floor, with the empty sleeping pills bottle rolling soundlessly next to her.

********************************




He was sitting all by himself in the steps of his mansion. His empty mansion. He had waited, like his mansion, forever from when they were kids, for her to be his, the mistress of the mansion. And now, she was taken from him forever.
He opened the sealed envelope addressed to him, to be opened on the occasion of her death. 
It was from her dead ex-husband to him. 

Richard,
If you are reading this it means the woman you loved and wanted for so long is no more. I hope you are as much in pain as I had been every time she looked at things I couldn’t give her, knowing you could have given her all and more, easily.
You are her best friend and knew everything, You should also know I didn’t love her any more. Her virtues, her love and of course, her best friend made me feel the loser, her father had judged me to be. I hated her for making me feel so low. And then she left me for you! Did you think I would forgive her? Did she? 
But I have had the last laugh. 
You have all the wealth in the world but I took away the only thing you wanted and didn’t have. She had been mine in life, and she is mine in death.


I didn’t lie to her when I said I can’t live without her.
I just didn’t complete the thought.
I won’t die without her either.
                                                              (signed)  Clark
                                                                   

______________


A heartfelt thanks to Neha for the idea, and the faith in my writing abilities! Thanks a lot, girl! G.

Posted in Creations, Loss, Love, Novelette, People and Relationships | 37 Comments

The Maverick MisFit- Who Am I?

Posted on September 17, 2009 by Guria
This is a personal view on life and I assure you, it has NO similarity to any one else’s views (if it has, I’ll be really glad to know) No one has to agree. It is meant to offend no one. If you are not broad-minded enough please do not proceed. 
Indian Pundit had asked me why I call myself a Misfit? (you fit very well everywhere, he said). At first I was surprised. Surprised that anyone will think to ask the question. The name of my blog is not at all just a name but is truly who I am. I didn’t expect another blogger (who obviously cannot know me a lot)  to ask that question. And I replied, I do not share the same view of life and things as others. And I do not think I am wrong.

I am an idealist. People do not belittle that, but they always retort by saying that they are (or prefer) practical and realists. I feel like smiling but I refrain. Have anyone thought, really thought what idealism entails? Does being an idealist refrain me from being attached to reality or having common sense? I can find idealism in reality too. These two words- realist and idealist- may be opposites of each other in English grammar, but do they have to be different?

[Scientists are trying to find the cure to AIDS, prevent Cancer, are they non-realists, just because they dream of that perfect drug or method or path?]

The difference between realist and idealist as I have seen today, is in believing. An idealist believes. 

I believe in God. I believe in Religion. I believe in the goodness of people.I believe in good deeds. I believe in happiness. I believe in all that happens is always for the best. I believe in me. 

How many of us really do that? Most will agree to the last, but honestly in their own hearts, do they? 

[But you have to understand God, Religion that I believe in is not the adulterated version of today. But what it is in its purest form, the form I have found. I will not go into that but save it for some other long post.]

Let me give you a stupid example but a profound one: Blogging 

No one knew my blog. Really no one. I also wanted people to read me. I didn’t know how to make people, and I didn’t bother. But I believed. I still don’t know how in one week, people I’d never even read came and followed my blog. My followers had gone up from three (my friends) to 20-odd.

Blog awards: I had done a tag and did it pretty honestly. I wrote “blog awards” in the things I look forward to and I got one immediately from a blogger in the US, so damned popular that I still don’t know how in her hundreds of fans she chose me, I hadn’t even known she read me. Now I get an award every other day. You’ll think it’s stupid but it isn’t.

Blog-a-Ton: I had written for the contest coming back home scant hours earlier. It is probably the worst written post I’ve done, technically speaking, but I wrote from my heart. And every one appreciated. It wasn’t because I wanted to win but be read. And that’s what happened. Tell me I didn’t get the recognition. and when I will want to win, I will.

I believe in the impossible. I believe in the best. I believe in perfection.

And these are not empty words, these are the facts of my life. No one has an easy life, every one thinks that he is worst off. But every one had their own share of losses and hardships. It is only in how you view life, live life, that you yourself determine what your life is. 

I have seen a mother lose her son;
I have seen a son carrying his dead mother, his shirt splattered with her blood;
I have seen a son whose mother hates him;
I have seen a mother being shoved down by the stairs by her son-
And I have seen them all reap what they had sowed.

I have had prayers answered;
I have hope resurrected;
I have faith, my faith in virtues, in life, in me has never wavered;
I have had ups and downs in life, I have lost many times- 
But I always have been a winner

“Always reach for the sky, even if you don’t get it, at least you will be with the stars”

I also had a hard time in my life. Very hard, if anyone knew the story. I learned from it and moved ahead, bits by bits, but I don’t attach importance to the time itself. As that is not the way I see life. Hardships are always there but the importance is in how you get out of it. It is only in how you view your life, is how your life will turn out. The saddest thing is people don’t believe in miracles that’s why they miss out on the reality of them.

[Does anyone know that your body (as a system) can go wrong in every step of any cycle (there are hundreds of cycles), but it rarely does. A disease, a disorder is the rarest thing to occur in a body (just imagine, in a person’s say, 50 years, he has a cholesterol problem, that’s a small one step in one cycle, the cycle that functions more than a hundred times a day in the body). Your body is the most efficient machine in the universe. Have you thought that your life is build up on lifeless molecules? What are these if not miracles? You’ll say it’s science, and I’ll say you cannot believe in science, if you don’t believe in the limitations of it. After all where science ends, philosophy begins.]

It had come very simply to me. Once I was thinking about how bad my life was, and looking at my friend and wishing, I wish my life was like hers. When she suddenly turned around and told me wistfully, I wish my life was like yours. 

Now wouldn’t you agree that I am a MisFit? 

And I call myself a Maverick because I am different but not wrong. 

The proof is my life.


Since you read this, let me tell you again, this is written solely about myself. You do not have to agree. These are truths of my life.  
Posted in Life, Observer, Philosophy | Leave a comment

A Pessimist’s Day

Posted on September 16, 2009 by Guria



Have you ever cried your heart out?

Or haven’t stopped the urge to shout?
Never thinking what others think,
But letting the madness over the brink?
Have ever felt, that you are free-
Free to live, to love and be?
Have you never felt the restraints,
Tying you down, holding you back
Burden you till the wills sag,
Till you stifle the screams of pains?
 
Running away till you are breathless
Away from the demons you can’t face?
No one to lean on, no one to hold to
Ever lonely in the human zoo,
Claustrophobic in a room of people
Walls close in if you’re alone?
Waiting, waiting, always waiting
For the shackles to give away-
With visions blurring, sanity fading
It’s coming-  the end of day!

~~~

N.B. There is nothing about me in here. But I was trying to catch the desperation of a trapped mind. Getting into character is one of my better traits. I have shared the first stanza before, this is the full version. Could I get the desperation across? 
Posted in Creations, Loss, People and Relationships, Verses | 20 Comments

Quiet Children! I Am Handing Them Out!

Posted on September 15, 2009 by Guria
Awards! Awards! And more awards!
I mean people have got more awards than me, but not one after the other in just a few days. There are exceptions of course, but I’m not talking about them (of course I’m talking about me!). It doesn’t mean, you, the reader is not allowed to give me more (Hint! Hint! ), all I’m doing is revealing the records. 
Okay, okay, I am not as selfish as I am sounding but merely sarcastic. When I have nothing to do (or lots to do, of which I do nothing) I love being sarcastic, it’s a pet peeve.
Digressing, digressing…
So now on to awards. If I did not do it now, they would have been forever put on hold.
Without adding to your tedium, I’ll straight be going to the announcement…
…
…
…
Where are the TRUMPETS ???

Alright now we can begin.
Ladies and Gentlemen and Everybody else… here we GO!
 This award came directly from Hits and Misses bestowed on yours truly by the lovely Queen of many things (such as 55 fiction, her King-to-be etc) known more commonly as Shruti (Dear, my head is standing not upright today, please bear with me…).   So, now it is indeed my turn to pass on the award to beautiful bloggers, I mean, bloggers with beautiful blogs. And the winners are…
The next award also giveb to me by Shruti. I lurve all your blogs.
  • Rohini
  • Maverick
  • rimz
  • Aditya
  • Sid
  • Sourav
  • Yellow Tulip
  • Rane
  • Avada Kedavra
  • Shibarjun, my most favourite blogger ever (when he starts blogging again properly, the link will be given… and then I have to find out which, till then Real Madrid will have to do)
And Indian Pundit, I am leaving you out, it is understood that I love your blog, How can I not?! Let him write on some good topics rather than acceptance speeches! 

Oh, talking of him, I remember, another award… the one I am having trouble adding to my sidebar.
This one is for the buddies… Okay, difficult.  My Buddies Are-

  • Indian Pundit (obviously)
  • Shibarjun
  • Arunava
  • Rohini
  • Shruti
  • Neha
  • rimz
  • Sid
  • Tell me if I have missed your name. I am a very forgetful person.
Alright that’s that for now.
Enjoy your awards. You don’t even need to acknowledge it. Or you can say, ‘Hah! I already got this!’. Or you can thank me, to which I will sweetly not say, ‘you deserve it’ ’cause you already know that. Did I not give the links? Good, you find them out yourselves…
Okay, okay, I’ll give the links, later. 
Right now I am not in a good mood. (Is that supposed to be news?!)                     
Posted in Bloggers | 21 Comments

It’s The Way You Look At It

Posted on September 14, 2009 by Guria
Have you ever cried your heart out?
Or haven’t stopped the urge to shout?
Never thinking what others think,
But letting the madness over the brink?
Have ever felt, that you are free-
Free to live, to love and be?
Have you never felt the restrains,
Tying you down, holding you back
Burden you till the wills sag,
Till you stifle the screams of pains?
O Oh! I wrote this but this is not me. Nor the way I want anyone to be. I am this.
I believe I can fly!
Yonder over in the sky,
I may not have wings
But I soar and I sing,
And I dance and I play
Every wonderful day.
That’s a part of me
As happy as it could be,
Knows the ups and downs
But knows to wear the crown;
There’s good and there’s bad
But nothing ever to make you sad.
Small but the strongest part
Knows life is celebration,
To discover your own heart
A journey of bliss and elation;
I am not simple, nor a fool,
But I live on my terms, as me
A life that is worthy and full,
And just the way I want it to be.

I always believe happiness is a state of mind, and not the momentary kind. When you decide to be happy, no force in the world can make it otherwise. and when you decide to be not happy, nothing and no one can ever make you happy.  
The secret is to be always happy, on your own terms, decisions and then on any terms.

And the first step: Love yourself.

N.B. I got the idea for this post from the beautiful Rane over at Soul of A Woman, and the words just began to flow (almost). Ladies, you should read her, she is an expert on the woman’s heart, and also the men, if you are brave enough (because if you read her, you’ll not have your favourite form of bafflement/excuse: “what does a woman want?”)
~~~~~~~~~~

I am talking to myself here: And I am missing being sarcastic! Am I losing my touch?? Poetry, for God’s sake?? Damn, what’s happening to me?!!
Indian Sarcastic people, have you read my “Typical Indian” post? If you are missing sarcasm, you can go to that, till I dish out more. For more details contact the Author via…the comment box, of course! (You thought I’ll be giving out my number?!!) 

Posted in Creations, Happy, Life, Love, Me, Observer, People and Relationships, Verses | 22 Comments

After the War

Posted on September 12, 2009 by Guria
A part of every history. The unnecessary, the futile attacks. But who stops to think? And listen?  This is an show of outrage and a plea for peace.

the brilliant sun
blinded the eyes.
the loud wind
shrouded all cries.
the wails of the mothers,
the helpless fathers,
standing over their daughters
the spoils of the wars;
and the lost sons
the result of the farce-
the calm after storm
the storm for peace,
and the alleged calm.
where is the solace,
where is life?
eaten and spit,
or roasted alive!
Calm, you say?
only the weapons cease;
still can hear
the lament, the weeping,
and taste the fear
that the calm’s gripping!
where is the victory?
o’ you Statesmen,
a paper and a pen
  and winning a treaty?
give back the dears,
the daughters’ virtues
and the sons’ lives,
wipe all the tears
and triumph then you might.
till then you are the loser,
the destroyer
of hope, of love, of families,
and all that was right.

Posted in Creations, Life, Loss, Observer, People and Relationships, Verses | 26 Comments

Catharsis Part-III: I Have an Addiction. Finally!

Posted on September 11, 2009 by Guria






I am trying to keep the pace but working from home has become tough, as blogging has become very addicting to me. To top that I follow and read so many good bloggers/writers (much better than me… almost :P) that even if they don’t write regularly there are at least 3-4 new posts everyday that begs reading and commands commentating!

Add to the mix, awards or more aptly recognition by fellow bloggers. This has been my lucky week. First an overwhelming response (if you don’t believe me, see the comments below the post) from co-bloggers to my Blog-a-Ton contest post. Being commended by writers, who could very well be on their way to write their first best-sellers, was a heady feeling. Then the blogging awards, incentive to thicken your glasses, poring over the computer; my first ever by V (thank god, I posted it already!), then Shruti (that girl is a step ahead of everybody, gave me two, just imagine!) and my very dear Rohini (she’s the better part of blogging-me!). A post dedicated to them is still pending.
Okay next in the equation are words. No, not the comments type. But the openly praising, making me blush, out-for-everyone to read types. I didn’t win the Blog-a-Ton, really! There was no chance (if you have read the others, I was at best a spark compared to others’ fire, at least, that’s what I thought). But why does it feel that I am also a winner? Vipul’s words at the Blog-a-Ton’s result post.





In a transitory stage between the student-she-was and the teacher-she-will-be, Guria is clear about one thing that its way past the time to bring back the true spirit and glory of the teachers. (You’ll definitely make a great teacher).

Then Shruti’s in her award post. If you read Hits and Misses, you would obviously understand the value her words have.
And finally what upended all my maturity and had me behaving like the kid I try not to be, was Indian Pundit, one of the joint winners of Blog-a-Ton. That crazy, demented and brilliant guy not only had voted for me but wrote about me in his post! Embarassed, shy, teeny-weeny bit of pride all rolled-in-one, I’m not sure what my reactions should be… confused, confused!! (i’m not going to copy-paste what he wrote, let me maintain at least a modicum of modesty)
Oh, and I also have tags pending! I rue the day when I wished people would tag me! Whew!
So, all in all I am unable keep away from the Blogosphere when i need to be researching universities and their faculties, not to mention prepare for classes. Applications are huddled in the corner. Me, a refined blogger having trouble with writing my SOPs (Just imagine I am having trouble praising myself! May be I’ll ask Indian Pundit to do it for me!). I am not able to comment as often as I’d like to, my farm in Facebook is withering (keep forgetting the harvest time) and not going to work at Yoville. But try as I may I couldn’t take a page out of Sid aka Ravan’s book and abstain. I’m too much in love with writing here and reading and comments. Finally I have an addiction (or several).

P.S. My To-Do list is completely crammed. And I cannot stay away from blogging. No wonder I am bawling my heart out.
And others think I am jobless, having a great time sitting at home! Hah! If this is no work, God, please give me work!
N.B. A very honest post after a long time. it is not prohibited, is it?
Posted in Bloggers, Catharsis, Life, Sarcasm | 22 Comments

55-Fiction #2

Posted on September 10, 2009 by Guria

My second attempt in 55-fiction. A bit different. And for the record I don’t do emotional drama (or melodrama) only, I happen to be versatile.
And as usual, your inputs are requested.
So here goes the second one.

The Adventure

Dev : It was new moon. I was walking down the village road. No electricity, no lantern, no one around. Suddenly…

Ria : Whaaat?

Dev: A black car with no lights, braked hard behind me. The driver with a grotesque face beckoned me inside.

Ria (whispered): Weren’t you scared?

Dev: No darling, it was daytime!

~~~~

So, for the better? Or worse?

Keep laughing and keep blogging!

Posted in 55-fiction, Creations, Friends, Laughs | 19 Comments

55-Fiction #1

Posted on September 8, 2009 by Guria
A 55-fiction expert (read: Shruti at Hits and Misses) told me to try them myself. I was completely unsure of myself and had been spinning many, all lame, in my head, when suddenly inspiration hit me! This is my first attempt, only posted as I think it might have some semblance to good writing (to be honest).
What I now want is for every reader to be completely honest, brutally so. Please I need your opinion and advice too. Good, bad, ugly- doesn’t matter and I’ll publish every comment. Promise!
Since Blog-world is indeed under the 55-fiction siege, who am I to resist it!
Here goes.
“The Last Act”

With unfathomable eyes she watched as he walked down the wet, broken path, shoulders slumped, believing every untruth she had uttered. He’d never look for her again. He’d forget and love again. He would never know that there were only a few days left. For her. And as the tears brimmed over, inexplicably, she smiled.

~~~

Posted in 55-fiction, Creations, Life, Love | 36 Comments

Happy Birthday, my friend!

Posted on September 8, 2009 by Guria


On the day of my friend’s birthday I called him up and started singing the familiar tune, I usually don’t do that as my singing talents are not understood by many, but I have noticed people like it when you wish them like that on their birthday. So I was a bit taken aback, when he didn’t react as joyously as I expected. Maybe my singing talents had heightened even more than last year?
I have a good memory for dates, and like most other girls, I can remember anniversaries and birthdays even very casually (point to be clarified: unlike many other girls, I don’t even try to remember the sillier dates) So I never forget any of my friends’ birthdays. I do not always get around to wishing people, but that’s whole another story (I’m lazy, procrastinating is my hobby, etc etc).

Now, the friend i am talking about is a good friend of mine. And it is not that we are completely out-of-touch (whenever I am out-of-touch I procrastinate, don’t you? Well, I am shy!!) so I expected him to expect my call. But the last of tha last things I expected him to was sound forlorn. Okay, he could have been unenthusiastic, bored (when I call you ain’t allowed to be that but well, can be a possibility) or even neutral but sad? I was surprised. Did I make a mistake? Isn’t it his birthday today?
I couldn’t resist asking him, was anything amiss? How’s every one? He answered normally and everything was good but that underlying sadness persisted. So, given my exuberant character, as usual, I took it upon myself to cheer him up. To hell with the reason.
And I stumbled across it.
We were in our Masters togethers. We had this big group of friends. So my first natural question was, “So, tell me who were the ones who already called/wished before me? Huh?” He paused and replied, “All my friends here (in his para that is, friends in the locality) and S***** and you. That’s about all.” S***** was one of our group.
I know boys aren’t at all good with dates but does that excuse hold when we have reminders on Orkut and Facebook for them. Is it justified when for the last two years we had been celebrating each of our birthdays big-time?
He was one among the few who had got selected to go to Germany for his PhD, and he couldn’t go due to, let’s put it as, red tape. And no one asked how he was holding up.
He had once told me, “Last night I was looking at all our photos. We had a great time didn’t we? And I was feeling down, yaar!”
I had replied, “Yea, of course we will miss the good ol’ days of being crazy!”

And he said, “Yes. that’s true but that wasn’t why I was feeling low.”
He clarified. “We just left college for a few weeks and no one, absolutely no one ever called me up once to ask how was I faring. No one cared to ask about anything that didn’t concern themselves. No one even SMS-ed. Not even _____ (who had been his friend much longer than I had been). Have they already forgotten?”
I felt angry and I felt hurt. For him. For us. Was our cherished friendship so incomplete?
He had no hope that anyone, anyone at all will remember his birthday (mind you, Orkut was still displaying his birthday), remember him. And he had given it up as a lost cause.
I finally did manage to cheer him up with my usual nonsensical words. He was glad that I remembered (I think) but he’s already stopped expecting from anyone and that could and would include me too. It saves him a world of hurt.
Is this what being an adult is all about? Stop expecting? Giving up on people? Where have all the goodness gone?


Is this really true? Is this what life is all about?
N.B. This friend is as emotional as I am but not as introvert or controlled (whichever you prefer) as me, and much more eloquent about his feelings. I understood what he felt and what he thought, that’s why I decided to air all that was in his heart but had no one to share with. Because people do not understand, and they will remain obtuse unless you poke a finger in their eyes.
[Ooopsie, I got very serious today! But when I am marshalling, there’s usually no stopping me! *sigh* What can I say? A purpose in a nomad’s life! *sigh* ]
ADDENDUM: My friend was not sad because no one wished him on his birthday but because nobody had bothered to even stand by him when he was going through a crisis in his life, in his career. Birthdays are for remembering, not wishing. What I wanted to get across (and I think didn’t do a good job of) is that every one knew it was his birthday but no one even used that excuse to ask how he was (he’d really had had a big blow which is a common knowledge among all of us)! If he cannot find support amongst friends where else can he? I reacted more because he is one who has been with any one of us whenever that person had needed a shoulder/support/whatever.
Okay, I’m a poor writer when trying to explain complex feelings! Won’t be attempting it in the recent future! (See I saved my own skin by saying the feelings are “complex”!!) 😛



Posted in Friends, Life | 15 Comments