Catharsis XX: Changes!

I haven’t been cathartic in a while now, and a non-sappy, non-complaining, definitely non-melodramatic, less-attempt-to-rhyme, down-to-earth, realistic, therapeutic yet sarcastic post is long over due. Of course, I may not deliver on any of them or manage to get them all but the last few months’ worth of drivel that I have been churning out (and calling them “poetry”) has made me unrecognizable to myself. Where is thy razor-blade tongue, the unforgiving arrogance and that delicate play with words dripping wit? (I think very highly of myself)

So, life has gone topsy-turvy, nothing makes sense, all the planning and plotting fell through unforeseen cracks of shifting tectonic plates and I am loving it. Possibilities, my dear, it’s all about possibilities and opportunities; to begin, to build, then watch it all break down into innumerable pieces, and then with a deep breath to begin all over again.

To throw away the cares of the world, what the world commands you and expects you to do, and to finally follow your heart – it took me thirty years or so to get here and man, have I arrived!

People come back. Even the ones whom you thought were lost over nothing and for life. When the season changes, when we get the wisdom of retrospect, you realize you are not forgotten by the ones for whom once you’d go into battles. Doors close, but others do open. People can be wonderful (can you imagine!), but they often need that one chance to fail before they succeed. No one is infallible. Sometimes one just needs a road back. Yeah, I have become patient, understanding and often forgiving. Forgetting, not yet so much, but I have finally cast aside that heavy, dark cloak of “what people say” “what people think“, and it is simply liberating.

Another lesson: we all hit roadblocks, some more massive than others, one time or another. It never defines us. What defines us how we attempt to recognize it, accept it, accept ourselves and actively fight to survive, to live and then, succeed. We stand up, dust it off and keep moving ahead, even if it is in a painful crawl. We finally stand up and root for ourselves, strive to find everything within us and never look elsewhere for strength, compassion and faith. And again, to my everlasting surprise, people rally. They get behind you, not out of pity or condescending sympathy. They get behind you to lend support, and often to break your fall. Of course, roadblocks are also good checkpoints. For when the dust clears, you get 20/20 vision of the ones who are worth it, and the ones you know you have to leave behind no matter how much it pinches.

Silver linings continued, I have it on good and respectable authority that I have my acerbic tongue back. Apparently, my rudeness adds a charm to my already scintillating personality, and people crave for more. And who am I to deny what the masses want. And despite rather popular opinion, which I consider deeply flawed (ever since the U.S. Elections 2016, campaigns for imminent Indian Elections 2019 and other such political maneuvers ongoing), I have finally been convinced that I am pretty as well. Even without make-up or Instagram filters, with my fat nose and dark circles, I am still quite pretty (with all of the above, it should make me breathtakingly beautiful) and all the not-so-flattering pictures of me are results of amateurs and not-so-fabulous, inexpensive cameras.

So, while change is not exactly invigorating, suddenly I realize I am not averse to new things while enjoying my own exhilarating company and at times with my old gang of devilish friends. And while counting all the silver and golden linings of change, I realized my intelligence sustained through it all, and I may even be scoring higher on the EQ as well. So, I am now brains and beauty. I’d say, I am scoring pretty high on life. Philosophy much?

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strengths

I need no gifts, no new words,
No assurances you can’t give
I need no tomorrow-
No promises of no sorrow
I don’t need you to be here-
A warmth, arms to enfold
And shoulders to rest,
Or a thought, I’m cared.
I need nothing to fall back
Upon, when I’m tired
Or to wipe my tears-
When the world’s mis-wired.
I need nobody, want not a thing
I can live on, like it’s nothing.

I lie.


N.B. It’s so easy to keep writing, fabricating emotions, back and forth, like a game. Not my best, never my best, but at least I am writing… ❤ G.

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Shadow dancing

tango_dancing_couple_by_naderdes-d4ygtxi

One look here, and another glance there
Gauge, measure that soaring intensity,
Is it just me, or is it you as well?
Trepidations hope, heartbeats in sync
Or, do they beat out of tandem?
A soft brush there, a warm breath here,
Too close, or not close enough?
Eyes don’t match words we speak;
In the charade, we talk, we laugh
Pretend ignorance, as we sense, not hear;
And we keep moving in unspoken synchrony-
An unpracticed choreography lasting eternity;
Tiptoe, tread carefully, delicately-
We circle in our minds, and, we dance.


N.B. Romances are fun! G.

[Image Courtesy]

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home

At the end of the long, tiring road,
Waited for me, the wide, open arms.
Hastily hidden salty tears mingled
With glowing, spontaneous laughter,
As your arms encircled and enveloped
I close my eyes, peaceful; home, at last.


N.B. It’s so simple to define, and so difficult to reach. 🙂

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Survivor

1Through the mire, she dragged
On her elbows and knees,
Her battered, bruised self
Bleeding, ragged and ravaged.

Scathing words dealt blame,
Told her, to dress better
Entice and allure lesser-
Be less human, less female.

Cast down eyes cast her out
Refuted her right to survive;
Neither balked nor backed down,
Refused to be refuse, less alive,
For a crime, an onus, not her own,
Relentless, she trudged and journeyed on.


N.B. Some things don’t get said often enough. Though it does seem obvious, we often are oblivious.

Image courtesy

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endurance in silence

Little did she know, the fire that she poured
Burned and razed, heavens and hells galore;
It never paused, it consumed and gnawed-
Till ’twas all that lived, raged and breathed in him.


N.B. Contrary to what we think (or, believe), we never suffer alone.

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After this one

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Is there a heaven? Where I can find you again?
An afterlife? With redefined rules, renewed ties?
For you, I will believe, I will try-
To chance tomorrow, rearrange my life;
For if it is not now, it is not not ever-
For I can wait, and wait, hope forever;
For you, I believe, it cannot be the end,
Maybe if not this life, maybe after death.


N.B. Amidst sadness, there’s happiness too. The silver lining maybe… Sometimes that shines gold? I’ll find that one day. And I’ll leave pragmatism for another day and give in to absurd day dreaming today.

P.S. I never really believed in afterlife. G.

Image courtesy

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long nights

as you slept lightly, on your side
breathing softly, deeply next to me,
I looked and looked, unbelieving
incredulous, that this was really true;
almost like I wished you into form
after nights and more nights
of imagining, dreaming (and praying?),
and then there you were, really there-
a manifestation of hopes, and yearning
a glimpse into a world, alternate,
a moment in an universe of wishes fulfilled,
before it all dissolved in the bright daylight.

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the fire of being

wallup.net

in moments of languish, and slowly bokeh lights
hailing loss of sanity, and fading, waning life-
suddenly derailed momentum, in a burst of fire
that brings forth revival, in a quest for survival,
the zeal flares incandescent, burning hot-
show me the ways the universe knows not,
you breath into my soul, touch, heal, attain,
you whisper me into being, and I am alive, again!


N.B. happiness takes many forms. poetry is also one of them. poetry as tribute, and for keepsakes, is another. love, G.

(Image Courtesy)
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খেয়ালী

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একলা সন্ধ্যের বিষণ্ণতা, যেমন ভীড় মহলেও কাটে না
তোমায় পাওয়ার উগ্র নেশা, আগুনেতেও পোড়ে না।
তুমি যেমন আগন্তুক, অন্যকারুর কাছের লোক,
আমিও তেমন খেলনা-পুতুল; দম-দেওয়া বিদূষক।
তুমি যেমন সত্যি নও- জাদুবিদ্যায় চমৎকার
আমিও তেমন মায়ার মত, ক্ষণস্থায়ী ভ্রান্তি তার।
সূর্য উঠেও অন্ধকার, নিঃশ্বাস নিতে লাগছে ভার
বিচ্ছিন্ন পৃথিবী, যাবজ্জীবন কারাগার-
শেষে কল্পনাতেই বিসর্জন, সেই অবাস্তবে থমকে মন;
অশেষ রাতের ঘুমের ডাক- রুখতে পারব? আরেকবার?


P.S. Best emotions, favorite language, least command 😐 as usual. Still. ~G.

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