It’s been longer than a year since I have been writing (unless one counts scientific papers, or letters of the heart that the intended may never receive) and I figured it was time to break that streak before the year was out, while the celebrations are in full swing. This year has been one-of-a-kind in all its unforgettable peculiarities, but it has definitely changed humankind, and hopefully for the better. And that’s what I wish for this lone post of mine.
To start at the start, I wasn’t writing because the heart was in its ache mode. And to my dismay, the real ache is mind-numbing and not-at-all creative unlike all my imaginary, painful (in more ways than one!) outlet that I call poetry. Apparently, this ‘heartache’ happens as a result of removal of an infinite, glowing source of happiness or, you can simply call it, happiness. A deep voice, with that unique intonation of what’s otherwise my ordinary name, those soothing words, intelligent and kind, the shared laughs and undiluted humor, an unshakeable integrity coupled with boundless love for family, a connection that seemed to transcend time and space as we knew it, and definitely surpassed all ingrained practical, common senses… and then, it collided with reality and vaporized.
I spent hours and days and weeks, rethinking all the things I could’ve done or I should’ve done differently, something that would have changed what finally came to be. But I mess up in every scenario – so awkward, so unsure and unsophisticated when I finally encounter something that I am scared to lose.
But I know, whatever will be, will be. Something that’s meant to be… Till date, that’s what has sustained me, that’s where my strength resides. So, I chose to focus on the wonders I received: my work ethic, and joy in what I do, improved, my self-discipline became real and better, I learned to respect my own ambitions and dreams, and more importantly, I truly learnt self-love and self-care. I am still fearful at times, lonely in my decisions, but I move forward with hope and expectations for the future. I still believe, now more than ever, in the happy ever after – the real success story – that doesn’t ask you to sacrifice all that you stand for.
I am still struggling to write, put it all in words but I am focusing on the best, the best of us. That voice that sparks light in me showed me how. And I have to be that ‘amazing, extremely energizing, positive person’ that I was (albeit, completely loony and emotionally unpredictable!) to the owner of that voice.
To the one who shall not be named, you truly bring sunshine to people’s lives (just as your name says). For those few moments that your life touched mine, I will always be grateful, and may be someday finally stop wanting… everything.
N.B. The realization that you cannot write, that it’s impossible to find the words when it matters the most. Which makes you realize what matters the most… parse the authentic from the fake. Damn, I don’t know if that’s a happy revelation or a mildly concerning one for me.