Catharsis Part-XI: "I need my rest, dammit!"

My first thought was, “Damn, I’m pregnant”. I mean, I have just made it through a quarter of life so, it can’t possibly be old age that is making me sleep so much. But then, you just can’t wake up thinking you’re pregnant, you know– you have to do something to turn up that way. But to account for the amount I’m sleeping, not working– logging into Facebook, finding no new updates (because people are either sleeping or have work), logging out, and opening a new tab in the browser to log right back in about 33 seconds later, still nothing, and slide back in bed– I think the term ‘lazy’ cannot possibly encompass or define the extent of my activity, or inactivity, if you like.
Honestly! These young bones! For past three weeks, I went about with 4-5 hours of snatched sleep. I felt so awesome, even with the glaring dark circles under my eyes, to tell people, “Ho oh ohh, I am sleeping, only like four-five hours a day, yeah, just that much, ha ha ha… you know, work, responsibilities, blah blah blah” with my voice tinged with the subtle oh-it’s-nothing inflection, and the cool, slight, affected indifference. After all, there’s no point in long hours if you can’t show it off (lesson learned in grad school)!
So, I am not working right now. Which means I am sleeping. Of course the state of “no worries” really worries me, as if there’s something I should worry about and I am forgetting. Of course I am a worrier. It gives an useless fool like me the ultimate sense of purpose. Like I’m important enough to have worries- in a list of worries that features the economic turmoil of a country, the hungry children in Africa, the new drug-resistant tuberculosis bug. No wonder I feel important when I have to worry- about cooking fish, replying to my boss, scheduling dates, finishing assignments etc etc.
But I am sleeping. Almost all the hours of the day till he shouts and drags me out of the bed. He grumbles about going to work, coming back and cooking, and washing the dishes. But I am a sleep-induced zombie as I mutter, “I’m on vacation.”
And vacation equals sleep. Period. Argument closed.
I am a grad student after all.

Posted in Catharsis, Laughs | 2 Comments

My Nose in the Dark

The first thing I do is bump my nose into the wall. Years of pinching my nose to a fine, fashionable point never worked, but I am so sure that these bumps would invariably make my flat nose almost non-existent and after a while, you just might see it coming out of the back of my head. With tearing eyes, I grope in the dark as usual. It’s not that I hate the light, but I never want to scale the wall like Spiderman looking for the switch that is never where it should be.
I always need to get out of bed, just when I am snug and comfortable under my comforter. Every night without fail. And the worst part is I sleep alone, so, I can’t even curse anyone. I mean, there’s hardly any joy in calling yourself “a foolish donkey” (yeah, you got that right- ‘foolish’ and ‘donkey’)- when you already know you are one.
Hence as a ploy, to save my lazy bones from being hauled from the embracing and warm bed, I pace my carpeted floor for fifteen minutes beforehand checking off a mental list of all the things I need to do before I turn in. And with a sigh of relief echoing of the effort I put in, in all the great things I had accomplished that day, I turn off my bed-side lamp, and smile as I get into the best position under the warm covers for sweet, sweet sleep. And just as the contented sigh crosses my parted lips as soft wisps into the cold air, I remember- I didn’t turn the oven off. Or, I didn’t latch the main door. Or, I left my phone in the car (worst case scenarios) or didn’t lock the car at all! Everything that has to be done right then and there, and no procrastinating permitted, unlike throwing out the one-week old trash after it turns three weeks.
So, I get up again, cursing- the hands finding the walls just the moment after my nose crashes into my closet, or the half-open door or the grand walls themselves. And I’d still be lucky if it’s something that’s in the kitchen, bathroom, anywhere within my apartment. But if it is a chore related to all the things I forget in my car, I have to put on my boots, hoodies, jackets, gloves, caps- I mean, over my pajamas I am dressed to go out for an evening in the city.
And I have to do all of these in the dark, of course- because I am sleepy, I have work the next day for which I’ll have to wake up in the ungodly hours and light scares off my sleep (obviously!), so much so that I’ll toss and turn all night long only to fall asleep in the early morning.
So, with a brave heart and all the courage I can muster, I throw the covers off me and get out of bed. And the first thing I do – I stub my toe on the dresser.

Sigh!


 

Posted in Laughs, Observer | 8 Comments

Goodnight

Hold me tight,
All through the night
Tucked under your face,
Warm in your embrace
Keep the monsters away
And hold the fears at bay.


Sail in distant waters,
Hike the tallest mountains,
Lost in deep forests
Or with crowds in forgotten cities-
Take me away
With you,
In all your dreams,
In adventures anew


Nights that have never been better
Sleep and dreams that no more scatter,
In your arms, held fast
Peace, at long last.









Posted in Creations, Love, Me, Verses, You | 3 Comments

Because you can…

Have you ever loved because all the other choices been taken away from you?
Have you ever loved not to be, not to gain, not to win but just… just because it was what was to be?
Isn’t it stupid to love and not care about what you get in return?
Have you ever loved for happiness and damn all the pain that was to invariably follow?
To love just because you can….. not for the rights, nor for the principles, not for the society, never for the things of the world but for the joy, the joy of knowing, even infinitesimally, of your life being touched, by that one person but the one who changes you forever…
To love- to laugh and cry, to burn with passion and pain, to have and lose and never have again, to fear and conquer, to know and yet be ignorant, to be and never be- to love…
Never matters -the trivialities such- like whether you are loved back or not…
Bad and wicked, beautiful and right-
It is a wondrous thing.
Posted in Observer | 5 Comments

One day…

One day I will come back bigger and better. I had promised myself, even while I found myself slinking away, like sliding in the mud after a torrential rain, unable to gain a strong foothold as much as I tried… But I did promise myself. I will not be a mere human.
I had sworn I won’t feel, I won’t be weak. I wouldn’t care, nor would I love. I wouldn’t be hurt, nothing would make me cry. I was going to be great, the epitome of all that greatness possibly can be! You wouldn’t call me human, I was going to be God.
But the lures of this illusion that I am trapped in, this wondrous, scary place called the earth- in all its glory, its beauty, its inhabitants and its sterling lies. My mind would wander and in a weak moment, get ensnared in the spinning tales of love and laughter. And there I would fall back again. I resolve to rise. I resolve to be. But a bit of my heart that doesn’t know to keep shut says I can’t be what I want to be. For I am already what I am destined to be. Always a human. Feeling, loving, crying. 
One day I was going to come back bigger and better, in a life beyond the petty, the irrelevant. But I couldn’t make myself go. I couldn’t make myself leave the illusion, the faith that this dry, wicked, uncaring world will love you back one day, one fine day. So, I stayed on. Or that cruel hope did.
Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Fall

A crack in the mind,
A broken arrow that pierced
Hearts, more than one
A slip in time,
Over a small weak moment-
One that snowballed,
And ran all down
Down, down the deep crevice-
Into the unknown
Of the forbidden, in a free fall.
Oh, but what a fall!
The heart wailed,
The mind assailed,
With fears tasting bitter
But no guilt,
Over what’s done and dead;
Oh, but what a fall it was,
With no rhyme, no cause.
And when you find land
Finally beneath your shaky feet,
All you want is to be swayed
And swept away, again
Into the nothingness of non-existence.
Posted in Creations, Verses | 3 Comments

Happenstance

You’d think you’d know,
When to stop and when to let it go,
When to obsess and when to just forget
Over a thing that’s just not you.
Maybe something trivial,
But bang! you let it get out of proportion
And possibly the only one,
To not get over the attraction
Towards what’s wrong
Time and place, immaterial,
Digging a grave for your own burial.
It’s not me, or us, or anyone else
It’s just timing,
And what’s right in the world we live,
The love we give
To people we might never deserve,
But who love us all the same
Without whom we’d be no ones ,
Just lost in translation.
Sometimes you care,
And it goes out of hand
Doesn’t mean we care less,
Or are careless.
We love, we do more than once
In different ways, every time,
Nothing’s less, nothing’s small
But they are there
Laid out to see, open and bare.
Out of control, some may say
But we can rise, we can be
Above what others do or may.
We can be great, we can be right
Take the blame and move ahead.
Knowing we love,
Knowing we’d never,
Break what’s priceless
Lose what’s irreplaceable
And knowing who we are
The friendship, the bond,
That never comes back when it’s gone.
Posted in Creations, Verses | 3 Comments

The Pioneer

The world is what it is today for what you gave its people. Counting losses, like the selfish people we are, the world will be a tired place without your visions to drive it on and forward. But looking back, “connecting dots”, the world learned to live through what you gave it, the way you forced it to own up to its dreams and turn them into reality. You always will be the fore-runner, the pioneer, the visionary- the one who rekindled hope and courage, and pushed us into a new era, a new world of exciting possibilities.
Today, on the fifth day of October, year 2011, the great Steve Jobs passed away. Heart-broken, and at a loss, the world mourns as one, and remembers with startling clarity the ways he has touched all our lives, in ways more than one.
We rejoice that we had the chance to be touched by your brilliance and inspired by your life, and death.
You live on, in our quest to be bigger than our dreams, beyond the limits of our imaginations.
Rest in Peace.
Steve Jobs is survived by his wife and four children. And generations of people, us, who will always remember him as the one who not only led, but paved the way, too.
Posted in Loss, Passions, Reviews | 4 Comments

Inexplicable

Like many people out here, I am also posting the same article on my blog as the treasure it is. It is not to show-off, because that’s not what it is, but for remembering, for realizing and understanding and finally, knowing.
Ask me who I am, I am an Indian who comes from Calcutta. And my heart is Bengali as Bengali as you can get with the terrible broken Hindi, love for dose-sambar and tandoori chicken and fish as everyday cuisine. As Bengali as you can get living with Marwaris, Punjabis, Gujaratis, Tamilians, Telugu, Keraliltes and all the others who are as integral to Calcutta as the people who have been in Calcutta for generations. And yes, if you ask us, yes, yes, yes, we are proud and take pride in being what we are.
And as the city comes alive during this time of the year, with the greatest festival we celebrate that is more social than religious… when every one of us cast aside gloom for the sparkles in life, to live… when the city is decked in lights, overflowing joy and all-soul… reading this article could only bring more joy with the bittersweet feeling of being away from the inexplicable, the wonder that Durga Pujas and Calcutta brings. Just to remember how it was, I went back on to my own recollections and treasure of pictures of the last puja I had been to (in 2009) and the feelings, the pride, the nostalgia all but intensified.
Here is the article I read, and re-read, not to gloat or to be proud but as a keep-sake as I finally understand why others don’t….

Written by Vir Sanghvi  (Editorial Director of Hindustan Times) on Kolkata & Durga Puja :
What ‘Pujo’ means to a Bengali ?
Most modern Indian cities strive to rise above ethnicity. Tell anybody who lives in Bombay that he lives in a Maharashtrian city and he will take immediate offence. We are cosmopolitan, he will say indigenously.
Tell a Delhiwalla that his is a Punjabi city (which, in many ways, it is) and he will respond with much self-righteous nonsense about being the nation’s capital, about the international composition of the city’s elite etc.
And tell a Bangalorean that he lives in a Kannadiga city and you’ll get lots of techno-gaff about the internet revolution and about how Bangalore is even more cosmopolitan than Bombay.
But, the only way to understand what Calcutta is about is recognize that the city is essentially Bengali. What’s more, no Bengali minds you saying that. Rather, he is proud of the fact.
Calcutta’s strengths and weaknesses mirror those of the Bengali character. It has the drawbacks: the sudden passions, the cheerful chaos, the utter contempt for mere commerce, the fiery response to the smallest provocation. And it has the strengths (actually, I think of the drawbacks as strengths in their own way). Calcutta embodies the Bengali love of culture; the triumph of intellectualism over greed; the complete transparency of all emotions, the disdain with which hypocrisy and insincerity are treated; the warmth of genuine humanity; and the supremacy of emotion over all other aspects of human existence.
That’s why Calcutta is not for everyone.
You want your cities clean and green; stick to Delhi. You want your cities, rich and impersonal; go to Bombay. You want them high-tech and full of draught beer; Bangalore’s your place. But if you want a city with a soul: come to Calcutta.
When I look back on the years I’ve spent in Calcutta – and I come back so many times each year that I often feel I’ve never been away – I don’t remember the things that people remember about cities. 
When I think of London, I think of the vast open spaces of Hyde Park. When I think of NewYork, I think of the frenzy of Times Square. When I think of Tokyo, I think of the bright lights of Shinjiku.  And when I think of Paris, I think of the Champs Elysee. But when I think of Calcutta, I never think of any one place. I don’t focus on the greenery of the maidan, the beauty of the Victoria Memorial, the bustle of Burra Bazar or the splendour of the new Howrah Bridge. I think of people. Because, finally, a city is more than bricks and mortars, street lights and tarred roads. A city is the sum of its people. And who can ever forget or replicate – the people of Calcutta? 
When I first came to live here, I was told that the city would grow on me. What nobody told me was that the city would change my life. It was in Calcutta that I learn’t about true warmth; about simple human decency; about love and friendship; about emotions and caring; about truth and honesty. I learn’t other things too. Coming from Bombay as I did, it was a revelation to live in a city where people judged each other on the things that really mattered; where they recognized that being rich did not make you a better person – in fact, it might have the opposite effect. I learn’t also that if life is about more than just money, it is about the things that other cities ignore; about culture, about ideas, about art, and about passion. 
  
In Bombay, a man with a relatively low income will salt some of it away for the day when he gets a stock market tip. In Calcutta, a man with exactly the same income will not know the difference between a debenture and a dividend. But he will spend his money on the things that matter. Each morning, he will read at least two newspapers and develop sharply etched views on the state of the world. Each evening, there will be fresh (ideally, fresh-water or river) fish on his table. His children will be encouraged to learn to dance or sing. His family will appreciate the power of poetry And for him, religion and culture will be in inextricably bound together.
Ah religion! Tell outsiders about the importance of Puja in Calcutta and they’ll scoff. Don’t be silly, they’ll say. Puja is a religious festival. And Bengal has voted for the CPM since 1977. How can godless Bengal be so hung up on a religions festival? I never know how to explain them that to a Bengali, religion consists of much more than shouting Jai Shri Ram or pulling down somebody’s mosque. It has little to do with meaningless ritual or sinister political activity. 
  
The essence of Puja is that all the passions of Bengal converge: emotion, culture, the love of life, the warmth of being together, the joy of celebration, the pride in artistic expression and yes, the cult of the goddess. It may be about religion. But is about much more than just worship. In which other part of India would small, not particularly well-off localities, vie with each other to produce the best pandals? Where else could puja pandals go beyond religion to draw inspiration from everything else? In the years I lived in Calcutta, the pandals featured Amitabh Bachchan, Princes Diana and even Saddam Hussain! Where else would children cry with the sheer emotional power of Dashimi, upset that the Goddess had left their homes? Where else would the whole city gooseflesh when the dhakis first begin to beat their drums? Which other Indian festival – in any part of the country – is so much about food, about going from one roadside stall to another, following your nose as it trails the smells of cooking?
To understand Puja, you must understand Calcutta. And to understand Calcutta, you must understand the Bengali. It’s not easy. Certainly, you can’t do it till you come and live here, till you let Calcutta suffuse your being, invade your bloodstream and steal your soul. But once you have, you’ll love Calcutta forever. 

Wherever you go, a bit of Calcutta will go with you. I know, because it’s happened to me. And every Puja, I am overcome by the magic of Bengal.
It’s a feeling that’ll never go away.

I wish I was home….
Posted in Calcutta and Bengali, Reviews | 4 Comments

Distance

I mean I have always imagined being in an entirely separate continent as the same as being in different cities. In its simplicity, time zones notwithstanding, you just don’t get to see the person everyday.
And in its all simplicity, we humans forget to be that- simple.
When we live in different cities but the same country, we never need to call, never need to see. And add a few thousand miles to the existing hundreds, you feel you are so away from all those you love, the need to see, to talk, to be, increases manifold. Why is this so different? Is it the subconscious that says, being in the same country, different places lets you get away with the sense of security- I can hop on a train/plane whenever I want, and just zoom back home. Whilst being a thousand miles apart tells you, my whims will get lost in the labyrinth of practical trivialities like money, time and the over-powering distance.
Take for instance, my oldest and my best friend for the longest time, our busy lives never let us meet up even when we were in the same city for more than a year! Though that time was indeed interspersed with short phone calls, I never knew of the turmoil she was going through. But now that I was back home for a few weeks, she set aside all her plans, her sabbatical from the cruelties of life to be with me. For every day she could. And now from across oceans, I am more connected to her- pushing her, prodding her, lending a shoulder, a ear and simply, being there for for her.
Isn’t it weird? When we have the means, we never need them. When we don’t have the means, when all the ways in and all the ways out are all but restricted, we need, we yearn, we reach out for all that we didn’t when we could.
But to people who we love and have never seen, the constancy in a world that remains unchanged whether you log in from one country or another, you repeat the same mistake from the lesson you never seem to learn. Sometimes the lines are so blurry, and you miss where the virtual overlaps with the real, and the real actually is non-existent.
You could deal with the anger, but not with the hurt. You could try logic but what when the love itself is illogical? You could will the person to understand but you’d know that you wouldn’t have if it were you, even if you had tried to.
It is something about people, something about relationships, it’s something about loving. About belonging and caring. It comes with responsibilities that we forget. That which we sometimes choose to set aside in times of trouble, trying to prioritize and failing.
But at the end of the day, when you almost come to losing the love you know is irreplaceable, you wake up to tears from your own eyes. Why is it we forget what we have? Why is it we never value something till it is no more? Why do we hurt, when all we wanted to was love?
Why do we never grow up? Never learn?
Sometimes even an apology dripping with shared pain, is not enough.
Posted in Heart, Love, Observer, The Other Side of the River | Tagged | 12 Comments