This is NOT the Blog-a-Ton 4 entry. The contest post can be found here.
Memories, they say, never fade. Oh, they are hidden, hidden under layers after layers of what the layman calls experience, and we call them new nodes of new memories. But they are all there, hiding somewhere beneath all those heaps of the every day, of the new, breathing only in the most remote subconscious, in the finer recesses of a human brain….
There are thoughts, and there are thoughts…. they say memories can be short term, long term, cognitive, spatial, explicit, implicit… there are so many secrets in that head…. And I wonder whether we know our own mind at the end of the day…. do we really know what we know??? Do we really forget what we think is forgotten? Can a brain forget unconditional love, happiness?? Does a heart??
Who knows… Science doesn’t…. Not yet.
Just Another Insignificant day…
I entered my dark apartment, groped for the light, hit the switch, kept my bag and threw open my boots. I went and sprawled out in the rocking chair besides the veranda, overlooking the sea from 30 stories high, one of the best and most expensive views in the city. But who wanted to see that!
It was almost midnight.
As of yesterday, my wife has left me. I say, it’s good riddance. She wasn’t worthy of me anyway. But it means I have to check whether the fridge is stocked or not. I don’t want to go out to buy food now.
But I didn’t get up. I felt so tired, and somehow it felt so unrelated to the gruelling day at work. Why does sometimes even everything seem to be nothing, absolutely nothing?
I laid back my head on the head rest, closed my eyes, and gave over to a compelling moment of self-pity.
I tried to remember the last time I had slowed down and looked around me. The last time when I wasn’t a participant in the everlasting race. When there was something to life, more than just money, power and success. The last time was happy. The last time some one had loved me. Just me. Without all the trappings.
I couldn’t. I pressed my eyelids harder, clenched my fists and thought even harder. There must be something. Anything. I sifted through the memories, pulling and prodding at whatever wisps I could grasp, clutching at every errant thought…. But there wasn’t to be. Nothing. Zilch.
Just… One single wayward thought… Just a shadowy breath of something close, something mine, yet… forgotten. A happy place? Something lurking, just beyond my grasp. An elusive sense of conviction. A thought of a warm, familiar pair of arms, holding me to a beating heart, a faint murmur of jingling bangles and a faraway tinkling, sweet laughter, igniting an undefined, alien peace deep within me. And a soft, crooning… lullaby?!!
My eyes snapped open. My heart was thumping arrhythmically. It felt as if I had been running these last few moments…
A derisive laugh escaped my lips. My overworked brain, jilted sour-grapes attitude and an over-active imagination was playing tricks as usual… planting false memories! I chortled, but I willed myself to stop thinking.
I got up with a sigh, and went to fix something to eat, while thinking about the upcoming presentation at office.
But somehow I couldn’t shake off that feeling of deja vu…
The resonance of that joyous laughter…
Why did I feel like I have lost something?
P.S. This is was first written as a tired entry for Blog-a-Ton 4, when something better came along, thanks to Neha. This one is a very non-specific, complex array of an emotional turmoil in a mind. Do share your thoughts on this one, too. G.:)