Would you understand if I said that I’m a mere human? And one of the lesser ones? As much as I tried to scrape my way upwards to make more of myself, to rise above all the small and frivolous things, I always manage to slide back down. I have also cherished dreams of being big, but I never learned to stop feeling with my heart. You can say I don’t have enough scars, yet, that just another hard tap on my nose will fail to bring tears to my eyes.
Petty things still make me jerk up, with widened eyes that crunch with hurt in the next instant, and lower with unwarranted shame. I try to be good, good for not only me, but everyone around me. But it is as if, their failings are all ploughed against me, than them, whose jubilant laughter at my tied hands, make me feel further away from the person I so want to be. All the small things, a small of word of hurt, a sneer, mean little pranks, a loud voice calling me names, a rebuke, I am above them all, aren’t I? But how do they still reach out to me, smack me and make my eyes burn? So finally I give up. I have to leave, I’m leaving for the world of anonymity where I will be alone but content. I will have only me to think about me.
Expectations are the real culprits, I know that just like you do. But I do not know yet how to stop. How to stop loving, stop expecting? All I can say, I need to leave to stop that hope taking birth in my heart, misinterpreting every gesture, thinking you care. I’m saying goodbye because I am not strong enough to let the current play and take me places of hurt where I never wanted to go. I’m leaving behind people I love, I know, and some may even love me back… but the lure of anonymity, the pull of being free of my own expectations for once overcomes me. I’ll say goodbye till I can come back greater and bigger… above and beyond being hurt, with no hope, loveless and no expectations of anyone. That is what growing up is all about isn’t it? I can’t ever return, only a heartless cynic can.
P.S. Chill, I’m not giving up blogging!
P.P.S. This is not about me! G.
P.P.S. This is not about me! G.
This is what came to my head – when I read this !
“I’m leading myself to my grave,
Rigid, and limp, caressing earth,
Can’t explain the tickle in my heart,
Unbinding life, across my neck,
Welcoming the passionate pull,
Air sucked, in vain,
Nuzzling the insidious pain,
Oh the conniving, death, sovereign !”
hey nicely written and if you don't mind can we know who that friend is 🙂
It happens in life and its part and parcel of life
Though I read most of your posts but necessarily do not leave my comments.
This one is too good.I got the impression of your going off blogging?
gosh… i thought something bad happen to you… stupid me… you scared me 🙂
but very touching and poignant write… beautifully penned…
For a moment you had me reaching for a club-for beating you into senses.phew!we can all try to rise above it all,but rarely to do surface unaffected.I know I do.
An extremely philosophical post… and I'm glad about the P.S. and P.P.S. 🙂
P.p.s. Something coming your way, on my blog. 😛
Babes!!! you gave me a heartache 😛 x-( I thought you were saying goodbye and quitting blogging. Thank god! my heart was strong enough to beat until I read the P.S. and why this post eh?? tell me ??
yeah. true. thats what this world says as growing up. In marketing jargon, You need to be thick skinned (that means if your boss questions you hard for not reaching target, you should not loose your smiling face even for a moment)
Good that I pinged you on FB and you affirmed you were fine and people misunderstood that this post was about you..
On the post : Deep and philosophical. The problem with '..I'll say goodbye till I can come back..' is that it is hardly better when you return and is usually a lot worse. If you decide to get off the wagon of life for a respite someone else takes that place, the wagon moves on, you long for what you had (with all it's bads..)
hwy girl,I have an award for you!
Firstly, way to scare your readers till the punchline.
Secondly, yay for heartless cynics?
Finally, believe it or not, at the bottom of this comment form – Google is showing big red curvy characters and asking me to type 'poophyp'
…with these little things to cheer a person up, how can one tire of it?
Your PS and PPS were relieving… for a moment i thought that you were upset or something like that. Anyways, coming back to the post it was deep and too too good. I loved it!
PS- You have like few awards waiting to be collected :P.
Very touching. These thoughts come to our mind now and then. “I always manage to slide back down”…I am reminded of a Tamil saying: En Adhirshtam Oru Padi Yerana Moonu Padi Irangarane” (My luck, If I climb up one step and go down 3 steps.)
Sometimes in life there are no gambits, and failure itself happens to be the reason of our failure.
As for the expectations we have: As Ayn Rand put it, freedom is all that matters, which is, “To ask nothing, expect nothing, depend on nothing.”
And yeah, good to know it wasn't about you, and aaaaalllll iiiizzzzzz wwweeeelllllll!! 🙂
life is a roller coaster thingy…
enjoy the ride!!
Not a post one would want to read when he is coming to your blog after ages ! .. I've been reading your blog since it's adolescence and I know what role your P.S.'s play 😛
May be, I'm in your blog after long, but I miss the flow, the simplicity and the words which used to hold me back till the last word of your post .. Well, it's just a MAY BE though .. May be I'm wrong !
And yeah Bye's are never GOOD !
P.S. No, it's not you, though !
P.P.S It's ages you have come to my blog too 😛
I never found your piece negative till the end. It was all about a person who wants to fight even though agreed that the fight for her is getting harder and harder!
There was no need to put in that P.S at all. You wont quit blogging.
now the post scripts are lil relieving!