That I could call heartbreak a disappointment told me that all wasn’t lost. That even as I lay amongst heaps of the broken shards, I held on to that power of becoming whole one day. That there was a stronger me, who may be was struggling now, but would eventually emerge victorious. That there would be a better me, who’d discover greatness in self, and laugh away the breaking of her heart as a matter of no consequence.
But tonight, my heart ached with every beat. Beaten and battered, it counted every hurting moment with the ticking of the clock. And wondered, how many times would it believe in the same lie over and over again, just before the truth would surface to dash every hope. Every whispered wish will get blown away again, all the smiles would dissolve into crushing misery and the heart would be smashed into smithereens all over again.
My eyes stay wide open but refuse to see. All they seek was solace in the fleeting lies, forgetting every time that no one, no one would be there to pick up the pieces when the pretenses ended, when the charade was too tiring.
I am a child- refusing to believe that there is no Santa Claus, holding on to the conviction that there are always happy endings. That one day this sorrow will all be worth its while.
It was the most dangerous thing. To be let down, to be cast aside, to be thrown away and forgotten times over times but the spirit refused to balk. It refused to be crushed in its wavering but omnipresent faith. Hope kept giving it life, against all odds. Was it weakness or was it strength? The line between the two is blurred, but it definitely was foolhardy.
I’d make pacts with the Gods, closing loopholes, asking for miracles! I was foolish but with tied hands, that folded on its own in the middle of the night as the tears dripped into the pillow, I knew not what to ask for. The freedom from the deadly cycle, or to travel back to the beginning of the cycle, to those incomparable moments before the heartbreak, all the while hoping that it would be different this time.
Hope is a terrible thing. It keeps you alive, when you would have died a long time back.