I have heart, too! I guard it well but it is there. Why do people forget that, I wonder. Maybe because I didn’t remember it myself?
I always used to think tears are a weakness till he told me different. I had never cried, really cried in front of anybody. Oh, I start oozing rivers when I’m incensed and uncontrollably angry and I hate that because people will think I’m crying, period. But that’s not the sort I’m talking about.
I have been eloquent more number of times than I can count, berating depressions, self-doubt and self-pity over and over again. “Happiness is a state of mind. If you want to be happy, nothing and no one can take it away from you. And if you want to be not happy, nothing and no one can make you happy” I believe in it so much that is all I would keep telling my friends- “Keep looking at the brighter side of things”- because that is what I truly believe, and that is what is true. But I lie. I wasn’t always like this.
I’m so outgoing and so talkative, jumping from topics to topics, making others laugh continuously, having perfected my sense of humor, that people rarely realise, i never talk about myself, that I’m actually an Introvert (?)! I am also human, I also err. People forget that. That a happy face can also lie.
It’s funny when I people tell me I’m hilarious, that I have a sense of humor that needs to be commended, a mind so fast that I leave people astounded and lagging behind. It is funny because I still remember the day when I realized I had a lousy sense of humor, which was also rooted in the fact I was too sentimental for my own good. My cousins could have me in tears teasing me mercilessly, ribbing me endlessly till I ran away and hid. That day I had my epiphany. No one gives a damn about how you feel, you distract people and make them laugh and that’s the only way they’ll never look closely and see what is there in your heart.
I was nine years old then.
And I always have been a fast learner. Since then, slowly, I transformed into an epitome of confidence, alleged fast brain, with an impeccable sense of humor and a very assured, even arrogant, personality.
And I was disappointed that I was so right.
Most of the time I’m still a case of jitters, still looking for that firm footing in the world. I’m a girl who still is emotional at the smallest things. Of course, the one who has learned to hide it completely but still let’s them affect her heart. I liked to believe the years of practise have strengthened me but there are still times when I wish I don’t have to be so strong. I have a perfected sense of humor, I can laugh at myself but I still cannot ever make myself believe that it is me they are talking about when they say I’m too good. And I wonder how the so-called sense of humor has gone so far in hiding a girl and her dreams.
It is so strange I’ve always remembered my failures than my successes, which is not good. When will I stop pushing myself over the limit and accept I’m perfect the way I am. Not my words but his. At first I pretended not to understand but was seen through. I’m an introvert who is very sociable but analyses, thinks and over-thinks. I knew what he was talking about. I had strived so hard to be perfect to everyone, but it never was enough. How can it be? But i tried and tried, gave away my dreams, thinking of myself last all the time. It isn’t something bad but some times I realised you need to think about yourself, no one will do it for you.
I found the world selfish, obsessed over the wrong things, foolish and sadly discontent. And I was becoming a master at duping them, never realising that I was slowly turning into one of them, cynical, bitter, unhappy. I forgot to believe. I forgot their goodness and mine too. I forgot and let them that I’m a girl, a woman with feelings and emotions that can flood the world. I was turning into stone.
I was drowning. Killing who I was, who I am.
And then amidst that darkness, the despair overlapping me, embracing me and pulling me down, two strong arms clutched me to a beating heart and simply held me there.
Long after that he had enumerated my failings, actually pointed fingers and said, ‘so what?’!! He helped me combat my every demon, standing silently behind, that unspoken wealth of faith in me, as I put things to right, quietly listing with me the pros and cons, the one who believed in who I really was, rather than what I showed people! The one who was proud of me and supporting me whenever I needed it, and letting me come apart when I need to. He loved me, the imperfect, the tearful. the unsophisticated, the boring, the real me.
If I hadn’t already loved him so much, I would have then.
I rarely write about him here. But he’s there in every word I write.
Once upon a time I used to write the saddest pieces which I never showed to anyone. I still have them. But they are meaningless to me now. For the saddest things move us because we do not know what truly happiness is and the only thing that we can relate to is the not-so-happy. But I believe the best creation can ever be of that one thing which will stay with you, bring a smile whenever you think of it and restore that dwindling faith in yourself. Hence, this mad blog.
He was the one who told me to come out of my shy cocoon and write.
I, too have a heart, I also feel, I also become sad, but I’m no more of ashamed of it. I still rarely talk about my feelings because the introvert part hasn’t changed. What I am doing here today is unprecedented, people who know me will be shocked. But I’m not scared to be who I am. I am imperfect and I take pride in being different, knowing no two person can be the same. And I rarely hide.
Being loved does that to you.
N.B. I couldn’t write half of what I wanted to. This probably is very disarrayed but I wanted to write. There’s nothing like believing, nothing like faith. You are the best whatever and whoever you are.
(And he doesn’t let me be sad for any length of time, and he showed me there are worse things in life but you can be happy inspite of it. It all ever depends on you.)
Photo Courtesy: vi.sualize.us
wow…..namesakes…..wid dis post i think u jst brought to light an array of situations and emotions which r so similar between us…I wouldnt go into details…bt jst da fact dat its so similar dat it brought a smile to my face…..m glad u found sum1 who could make u da person u r today! here's wishing it stays dat way forever! tc! 🙂
i could relate to this one so well.. i felt as if i am reading myself..
Thats seriously well written. I always believed that crying makes me lose to that situation and I never used to cry, never wanted to lose to that situation how ever emotional/crestfallen I might get until someone very special came along and showed me how sometimes tears can ease away any pain. But thats only for special instances.
Acc to me, there are two kinds of people-Emotional and very emotional. Emotionals show their emotions at the drop of thier hat but very emotionals hide it all inside them and they are as much weak as they are strong.
Well written. Keep writing 🙂
Thanks Sreya for visiting my blog.
You are right.
i am a bengali from Kolkata.
@ namesake 🙂
Similarity? Wow! 😀
And yeah, I'm glad too, more than I can say!
Thanks so much for the thoughts. :~))
I thought you would. I've rarely commented on it, but some of your posts had me thinking the same. 🙂
Welcome to my blog! Thanks for the follow. 🙂
Thanks for understanding. I'm indeed very emotional. 😀
And I like to believe I'm strong too. 🙂
Do come back again! :~))
@ Indian Pundit
I like your blog! Don't worry I'll be visiting again! :0
And you can come over here, too, without the necessity of thanking me, that is! 😀
eh nice thoughts here…and this tag line on comment form is awesome…feeling the urge to 'borrow' it…;)
following you now…:D
confessions of a dangerous mind..
“”I, too, have a Heart that beats””
Hahahahaha…….of course u have….kono doubt aache naki??…lol
i am following ur blog.
excellent piece of write… u really out did all ur previous post… such a long one n flowed flwlessly til the end… too much close to wthappens to many people… really m impressed with the way ur writing…. n yeah i wil say jus to keep ur self and not lose ur hope n desires… sometimes it happens when u put up a good smile face in front of all so tat ppl don c ur pains but later v regret more for it… i suggest u to be open hearted and speak ur views at times not always though… take care.. and don worry … we fellow bloggers are der naa for everything… haapy times
@ Sid (or can I call you Ravan?!)
Please borrow away. I borrowed it myself and i don't think the old man will mind! 😀
Thanks for the follow, am honoured! 🙂
Bull's eye! Guilty as charged!
“”kintu kono chaap chhilona, follow naa korleo, ami tomr blog portm nevertheless””
Tell me who discovered the word “Chaap”….
Blogging ta akhon social networking-er moto hoye gache……”u-follow-me-i-follow-you” syndrome……so how is preparation for GRE?
I had some doubts! You shouldn't joke about these! May be a heart attack! But am too young for that! So… maybe a heartburn!! 😀
And thanks for the follow, I'm so honoured! Sotti!! 🙂
I did not! And sorry, I like a good read, and even better to write thoughtlessly and sometimes for special reasons, no syndrome yet!
And GRE is already done, thank god! 😀
Hahahahaha……u got it wrong.
“u-follow-me-i-follow-you” syndrome is what i am suffering from….lol
Yeah i HAVE this syndrome…haha
So why GRE? Why NOT CAT or Gate?
I simply wrote with the flow… actually was scared after I posted it, I wasn't ready to deal with comments. But you are right, fellow bloggers are there, like you, to make me feel free instead of trapped by getting this off! Thanks! 🙂
Listen CAT is the easy part! What is difficult is the two years in MBA studying everything I might not need and am bad at! lol!
Oh, I forgot to mention, I'm a scientist so, GRE is for PhD, a very basic degree to be in research! lol!
You a CAT aspirant after Engg, right? I really admire you people! Talk about tenacity, I for one understand zilch about engg! 😛
yeah rightly accepted.. its really ncie people getting in touch with eachother thro such open blogging… add me as a friend in ur gmail if u can… my id is email@example.com.. cheers….
“”Oh, I forgot to mention, I'm a scientist so, GRE is for PhD, a very basic degree to be in research!””
Wow…i made a “scientific” friend today..haha
“”You a CAT aspirant after Engg, right? I really admire you people!””
i am sad…..recession disrupted my plans to get a job…lol
Hope u get a fantastic score in GRE and walk into any top American univ.
so scientist in what?
Yeah, the US univs are clamouring to get me! Honest! lol!
So, I'm scientist who is essentially a Biochemist 😛
More of an artist in science! (Wow, I'm overdoing myself!)
Recession got me too, the reason I'm still in India! 🙂
And you are a what engg-eer(!)…
so wt u did before gre.. i means u did ur undergrad at where??? n which discipline???
Engineer-in-the-making..the stream is Computers….last year in college.
“”More of an artist in science!””
Now thats interesting….infact “artist in science” is perhaps the definition of a SCIENTIST.
“”Yeah, the US univs are clamouring to get me! Honest! lol!””
Yeah i too thought so….after all who doesn't want an “artist in science”……lol
If you keep quoting and un-quoting me, I'll be feeling very conspicuous indeed! 😛
And computers, how I wish I could understand what that is all about! lol!
It was nice monopolizing my own blog comments talking to you! 😀
@ Simba T.
I'm sorry I missed your comment yesterday! I'll add you in gtalk, when the damn contraption works properly 😛
I did both my undergrad and grad in Biochemistry from University of Calcutta. Right now I'm an M.S. going on to do PhD starting next year. 🙂
So, what kind of an engg-eer are you?
hey yeah sure… anytime… m doin my undergrads from NIT raipur in electrical discipline…. so hwz the whole PHd stuff goin on???
Ah I'm glad atleast you have someone who genuinely loves you and makes you feel strong when you're lost in the dark depths of despair. ^^
And btw it is totally okay to cry and vent out your anger and frustration once in a while.Otherwise you won't be human. 🙂
P.S:What happened to the story?some sneak stole it or what?
Why did u remove your last two posts??
Thank god i am following ur blog…….i am able to read both of ur posts through my google reader.
Girl, just enable COMMENT MODERATION.
Then u will have the power to approve comments by readers before they are posted on ur blog.
Hey nice post!!
Very well written!!
having people to console us while we are in trouble is a greatest asset!
Thanks for your thoughts. How I really want to follow them! 😛
As for the story I'll be re-posting it… sometime! 🙂
You still read my posts! One was a brainwave and the other an angry outburst! 🙂
Comment Moderation? Well, I guess! Till date I was to lazy to enable that! 😛
Anyways, the story, I'll be reposting it. I thought it was a actually pretty good idea(modestly said of course) 😛
Hey, welcome to my blog! 🙂
And I never knew how important an asset till I actually was in trouble! 🙂
Thanks for the comment and do come back! 🙂
I am with whoever it was above who spoke about comment moderation. That sure works. Its annoying for the peeps dropping in, but its worth it.
There was nothing questionable about your fiction post. I enjoyed it, again like the person above, on Google reader. In fact, it so reminded me of a short story by Archer. Possibly from his collection of “A twist in the tale”. Its about disgruntled love, and only the last line tells you that the “lover” is infact a cat. Your story was equally enjoyable and I actually laughed when you spoke of pedicures. haha.. I was damn sure you would do a la sheldon on me and go into details..
Please post it again. I think everyone should get enjoy the work of such a talented writer.
I can only imagine how much this would have pissed you off.. Pch Pch..
“Happiness is a state of mind.”
-Not only happiness, but everything in this world is a state of mind – my very strong belief..
“I found the world selfish, obsessed over the wrong things, foolish and sadly discontent. And I was becoming a master at duping them, never realising that I was slowly turning into one of them, cynical, bitter, unhappy.”
this is so me…
we are quite alike u know that? but I ve made myself an ambivert now…I do live with a mask in front of most, but with few, I have started becoming myself – almost…n it is helping me…
ok, now do i need to say how the post is? nah, that would kill the beauty of it..:)