Two Of Me

I know that there are two different individuals living in my body. As different from the other as chalk is from cheese. And I don’t know who is stronger.

Don’t you really?

I don’t know which part of me is talking to you, I have no idea what the other part is like. I don’t know who I am. I just have seen a faint shadow flitting across my vision in bright sunlight. I just have felt an anger so unrelated to my elation. I just know there is someone else who can command my body, my blood to run through my veins, my heart to keep beating, my mind to leap to understanding, just like I can. And I don’t know who that is. 

That’s a pity. When I know every single thought you have ever had. 

I have tasted understanding on my lips when I know I’m still stranded knee-deep in oceans of confusion. I have tasted bitter betrayal when the victory was within my grasp. Sometimes there were things I never wanted to do, but I have still done. There were passions in me that I couldn’t enjoy, there was a thirst in me that would never be quenched. Instead there would be a drive in me, that I didn’t know of. And the fervor that would come to me, in my moment of glory, the one that was my own, I would see them ruthlessly obliterated in front of my hopeless eyes. And I didn’t know who he was, who was doing this.

But I know you. I know your every base passion, every thirst you have dreamt of appeasing, every breath that you have spent kindling the hunger waiting to be allayed. I know of every little sojourn you have plotted. And you don’t even know who I am. At least you know, that what you think you want will never happen.

I’m not scared of this other entity in me. But I believe I’m much more powerful than him. But he does befuddle me.

But you should be. Scared. You are more powerful? You could be. The choice is always with you. Power, we’ll see?

I found out everything I could about Spilt Personalities and read cases of Multiple Personalities, but no doctor I’d go to could find, let alone chase away this alien in my body. I wanted to be cured of this demon in me. But demon that didn’t exist for anyone but me??!! No, I don’t have blackouts, there are no periods in my memory that are dark and empty. No, I have no symptoms of forgetting. No one knows that that piece of thing lives on in me. Except him, of course.

Sometimes I really get puzzled, how can someone as intelligent as you be so dumb?! And I share your brain, so no one knows better than me. Split Personality? MPD?! Is that all you could come up with? Slow down, pause and look! I can see you.

***

I was chopping onions in my little kitchen in the only remnant of the divorce settlement, my miniscule apartment. My eyes were watering but my heart was burning and my blood, boiling. The whore had stripped me of everything she could. I think she even minded that I came out of the court-room with the clothes I had on my back. And worse, that she couldn’t touch a penny of the trust fund for my daughter. 

I missed my daughter. But it was best for her to be at my mother’s these six months while ‘my wife’ of a year and seven months and sixteen days took me to the cleaners. But it didn’t mean that I missed my baby any less. And the worst of it all was that the feeling was mutual. I could still remember every conversation we’ve had over long-distance calls, I could visualize her tear-drenched lashes and it took all my will-power not to lash out at the wretched woman for the pain she was causing us. 

Marrying her was the biggest mistake of my life. No, marrying the second time was the biggest mistake of my life. You couldn’t bring back a mother, a lover, a wife, your staunch pillar just by remarrying. Life in the twenty months with the second wife had driven me up the wall. I could feel the patience in me ebbing, my control nearing to snap. I never really appreciated before what murderous intent actually meant. And now, I had started living with it.

All I needed to do was remember the black-and-blue patches on my baby’s pink skin.

A sudden sound broke into my concentration. My muscles tensed, goose-bumps erupted all over my body. It was the front door. And it could be only one person. The whore still had the key.

“Hi darling!” She sauntered in, reeking of a perfume that made my nostrils burn, dressed in the latest fashion that her original status would have never fetched.

‘Did you miss me?’ She trilled, jubilantly. I hadn’t moved a muscle since she had entered the room. The chopping knife was still grasped tightly in my hand.


“You look soo adorable working isn the kitchen, sweetie!” Sugar dripped off her voice as she made herself comfortable in my kitchen, perching on a stool at the counter. I stood expressionless, unmoving still. 

“You know”, she said, looking around, after a pause, “I have developed a liking for this dump, too. What do you think?”

Life pulsed back through my blood releasing me from my immobility. And I snarled and leapt at her. And her preoccupation with theatrics cost her precious seconds as she tried to back away and fell on her back onto the floor. Making her an easy prey for me. And I lifted my left hand to strike her even as she braced herself. And we both froze in the act.

“Daddy, are you home? I want so badly to talk to you. I miss Mommy, but I miss you more. When can I come home, Daddy? Granny says it’s going to be soon. Call me please. I love you.”

And the answering machine whirred as the call ended. 

I stared into her face unthinking and I was completely unaware as a glint of shrewd speculation came back into her eyes.

“Are you sure, you want to do that, darling?”, she intoned softly and sweetly, from the floor. “May be I’ll leave this dump for you after all, because after you hit me, I’ll be the one taking care of that sweet little girl. Ask your lawyer.” And she laughed aloud.

And my vision blurred, replaced by a red haze as I felt my control snapping. As my mind was consumed by the same dogged sense of purpose that precedes murder. This time I raised my right hand above my head. 

I only dimly registered the look in her eyes change from amusement to bewilderment and then to fear and inwardly gloated as I brought down the chopping knife with all my strength right over her heart.

And it paused less than an inch away from her heart. And I couldn’t move my muscle a single bit.

Are you sure this is what you want to do? Is this you? Think of your daughter, of our daughter. Is this her Daddy? Throw it away, let her go, let her take whatever she wants. You don’t want to be a murderer, you don’t want your daughter to be tainted with that, do you? Just let go! There’s more to our life than her petty plotting. She’s afraid enough never to bait you again. Leave every bitter memory behind. Go away. Start afresh. Be the man you were. After all, you have me to combat every Evil that creeps in within you, you still have your family, you have your daughter and you have love. Learn to live again. And be the man you were. That self-assured man who had a single voice of righteousness in his head. 

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About Guria

An Artist in Science - I am a Misfit 'cause I choose to be one. "Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform" And I am a Maverick, because, I'm... umm... brilliant?
This entry was posted in Creations, Novelette, People and Relationships. Bookmark the permalink.

14 Responses to Two Of Me

  1. Ok! Is this about you, or is it a story?? Im really Confused! X(

    Like

  2. NesQuarX says:

    Nice, splits… sometimes one tires of even categorizing them. Good writing.

    Like

  3. Karthik says:

    Damn, yar! He should've killed that bitch.
    As the story progressed I experienced an adrenaline rush. Just too good, Guria.
    Super-duper narration! 🙂

    Like

  4. Gyanban says:

    Twisted Tarantinoesq narration. Interesting.

    Like

  5. Samadrita says:

    Hmm I smell the elements of a psychological thriller aside from the age-old conflict between the good and evil sides to one's personality.
    Poor guy though…his wife is going to get him arrested on charges of attempted murder anyway.
    Well-written as always!

    Like

  6. Neha says:

    you have narrated such a difficult subject so effortlessly.. this is a very different kind of a story..loved it..:)

    Like

  7. Hey girlie..I am so happy to read a story of yours after a long time. I just LOVE the way you narrate!! Hats off to you for dealing with a totally different kind of story and as Neha said “effortlessly”. Loved it 🙂

    Like

  8. Amazing.. amazing.. totally enthralling!! Its good to read u after so long 😀

    Like

  9. Kay says:

    i've studied split personalities…but i think the word you are looking for is subconscience…. excellent story with a great walk through the thoughts of an obviouse busy mind.

    Like

  10. Harini says:

    This is so brilliant. I think most of us have two people living inside us. Its our subconscious that keeps us from doing wrong things. Some times it can be a serious pain in the neck. You want to it and it goes saying no dont. Great narration :).

    Like

  11. Tanmaya says:

    Awesome!!!
    You had me gripped from the start.. Great plot and narrating style… loved it through and through… esp the last para.. that sounded so real…

    Like

  12. That was complex and compelling.

    Like Kay said it seemed like it was a conflict with subconcience and hence the ending was justified (preferred).

    Samadrita, Don't scare the guy with 'attempted murder' 🙂 . He has suffered enough. Maybe there's hope for him “..She's afraid enough never to bait you again.”

    Good one Mav. Liked it..

    Like

  13. Guria says:

    Tharangni

    You probably didn't read the whole story or at all. No, it's not about me, it's fiction. 🙂

    NesQuarx

    Well, strangely enough I have never gotten tired of thinking of them! 😛
    You can say I'm self-centered! :d

    Karthik

    Coming from you, it means a lot! thanks, buddy! 🙂
    So have I finally gotten my old touch back? 😛 😀

    Gyanban

    Tarantinoesque?! Well, it certainly wasn't pre-meditated! 😛 🙂
    Thanks!

    Sammy

    Well, it was kinda' both! But my intention was more of the first of the first, as I take the absence of the second of the second granted! 😀 😛
    Go figure…
    And I think if she dared to sue it would be under domestic assault than attempt to murder! But i don't think she'd have the guts after she saw this wild, uncontrolled side of him! 😉

    Neha

    Love ya, girl! 🙂

    Like

  14. Guria says:

    Avada Kedavra

    You always are praising me! 😛
    Thanks for enjoying to so much! Your comments make my day! 🙂 🙂

    Kay

    You got the right word! Conscience. But I didn't name it on purpose. I'm glad you thought this was good. Thank you soo much!!

    Harini

    You put it very succinctly and correctly. It is that indeed in a nutshell. I am happy that you enjoyed the story. Thanks! 🙂

    Tanmaya

    If my words could have you gripped, I must have written well! 😀
    I did try to make it real yet thrilling. But hadn't known how it would turn out with the perspective I was playing with. Thank you for condoning that effort!

    Madhu

    It was indeed complex. Compelling? Readers can say that. If it was then that complex and difficult attempt kind of paid off. Yes, it is indeed about our momentary lapses into wrong/evil controlled and tempered by our sense of right/conscience. Am glad you enjoyed! Thanks! 🙂

    Like

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